I am in a foul mood and physically I feel pretty rubbish as well. Exercise does this to me. Other people get an endorphin high. I get the grumpies and a lot of pain and exhaustion. So, why have I chosen to put myself through the torture of working out once more? The mirror demands it.
But, this post is not about my body and/or exercise angst. My less than stellar mood (understatement) has been contributed to not only by the exercise, but also by the kids’ truly horrendous behaviour. On top of this, the whole general lousiness of feeling is punctuated by a stupid situation with a “friend”. And, this last thing, my readers, is the subject of this post. Allow me to rant, please.
It’s difficult for me to make and keep friends, so I deeply cherish the ones I have. There are few people that are more than aquaintances and a fewer number than that who I would say actually know me and still love me and would really be there for me in a pinch. The number is small indeed. So, when I light upon someone willing to have – and appearing to persue – friendship with me, I’m very grateful. However, problems arise when I’m messed about. And, I won’t be a glutton for punishment. Not anymore, anyway.
I keep taking back a “friend” who goes through cycles of being capable of being my friend. This person will inform me, after us going along fine for a bit (talking to each other and enjoying each other’s “companionship”), that they must have a break from me. Then, I sit and wait for some communication, which eventually comes (and, when it comes, it’s nearly non-stop), then we pick up where we left off – or a few steps back and work our way back up – and things go swimmingly for a bit until this person decides they can’t talk to/be around me again.
Right. This is me officially tired of it. And, this is me saying the next time the communication comes along, I’m not going to go through this cycle again. It simply wears on the fabric of my fragile psyche…sometimes it’s like razor blades slicing through rice paper.
I don’t like being the one to end a friendship. I don’t like being the one to say “go away and leave me alone”, because…well, friendship is such a precious commodity for me. But, I think it’s time that I make the decision that says, “We can’t be friends, we are, obviously, not good for each other, and I’m not willing to take another trip ’round this mountain.” It’s difficult because I have so few good, close friendships, and I was hoping this would be one of them. I know it won’t be a very big blow to the other person; they have lots of friends – they won’t miss me…much. But, I am sorry, because I did say that I would always be their friend… but this back and forth, hot and cold has become too much to take. I always think this will be the last time, but then it happens again. No more…I was waiting for the other person to “get it together”, but now I know I’m the only one that can put a stop to this viscious cycle. The first three or four times I could excuse, and this last time I will forgive, because I don’t want to hold bitterness in my heart and let it eat at me – so, I will forgive, but I’m no longer excusing this and I’m not putting my heart out there to get trampled on again.
Not a cheery post, I know. But, I needed to write my decision and determination down, because I know when this person does finally get back in touch with me I will want to let the whole cycle start again in the hopes that it won’t end like it always does. Sadly, I know now those are vain hopes. So, they think they need a break from me? Well, I wonder how surprised they will be when they discover they’ve got a permanent one (be careful what you wish for…). Because, a broken friendship is simply better than yet another crack in my heart. 😦