IncomprehensibleI carefully move along the edge,
Watching my feet fall upon the blade.
Slicing them open, without a flinch –
Hiding the pain, not giving an inch,
As just one more anguished step is made. Because there’s no one that comprehends,
It wastes my breath trying to explain.
All think I’m deceived and have no sense.
Forced to lie, I try hard not to wince.
They will never understand the pain. These bastards have themselves all convinced
That they must know better than I do.
They control, so I must go along –
Made to dance on the knife to their song –
Yet, without tears! ‘cause they have no clue! Indeed, they are blind to blood gushing,
Dyeing my world a dark, crimson hue.
They think the pain is all in my head.
They won’t consider that things I’ve said
Just might, after all, really be true. They will never accept that, nor see,
They live in a world not made for me.
But, they make the rules, so I must dance,
Shading my face and tears from their glance,
And only in death shall I be free. Autumn Dawn Leader
Copyright ©2004 Autumn Dawn Leader
My sincere apologies to any who might be offended by a certain word in this poem, I wrote it quite a while back. However, that being said, after reading it again, I am at a loss to find a less vulgar word that fits. Anyway, I wrote this to express what it is like for those of us who live in this world who feel like we don’t belong, don’t fit. It describes those of us with any issues that are within but cannot be seen on the outside, issues that affect day to day living on this planet as it is: issues like clinical depression, bipolar disorder, or mild autism. On this latter one, I was talking to a friend who has a lovely son with Asberger’s Syndrome. We were lamenting about the problem those of us face who aren’t messed up enough to truly live in our worlds (like someone with more severe autism) – thus, simply not being aware that we don’t fit here. On the contrary, we know, and it makes it all the harder to function here. We have a daily dance. It’s painful. And, there are days when it is nothing less than excrutiating. We live in a world full of people who do not understand us, and we don’t understand them. It is all incomprehensible.
However, for those of us who might, given the choice, choose for the dance to stop, that doesn’t mean we are all suicidal. It simply means, we’d rather not be here. But, we are not going to leave until it’s our time (whether or not some of us feel that our time should be sooner rather than later). I don’t fear death. I never have. Because I know Jesus as my saviour I don’t need to fear death; I know I’m going to a better place. But, even if I didn’t know what I know and believe what I believe, even if I thought that when we die we just cease to exist (something that I most definitely do not believe), still, even then, I’d choose that over The Dance, and death is freedom from The Dance.
This being said, there are certain things that make The Dance bearable…just, things that even make it worthwhile. For me, these things are: music, a highly developed sense of humour, and a way with words, but, most of all, it’s my Jamie – his smile, the way he touches me, the way he says my name. These things make me endure The Dance. There are other things. I get surprised from time to time by something that makes me smile, something that gives respite from the constant pain. Those moments are precious. They are moments of grace. And so…The Dance continues. It is bittersweet. It is life.
I trust God that He has me here for a reason, whether I understand it or not. After all, faith isn’t about having all the answers – it’s a matter of trust. And, I lean on Him to grant me those moments of grace to keep this on the bearable side. And, I also pray that my allegory will give insight to some of you “normal” lot. While you will not be able to empathise, perhaps you will be able to consider things differently. And any level of better understanding is appreciated by us who are forced to dance this Dance.
Since I am going through a particularly rough patch right now, I thought this would be a good time to share this as a blog post. My deepest gratitude to those of you who live with and support “a dancer”, those of you like my own Jamie who is a precious, priceless gift to me. Without him, I honestly don’t think I could bear another step on the blade. So, to you who put up with so much, who have chosen to move with us on the blade, those of you who soothe our shredded feet with your own laughter and tears, your companionship and strength, thank you. Thank you, so much.