Coulda. Shoulda. Woulda. The words of regret.
I coulda been a star. I had all the talent and potential.
I shoulda tried harder to get discovered, instead of waiting, hoping and praying to be discovered…one day. A day that never arrived. I had talent and potential but lacked opportunity, but I allowed that to stop me, and I shouldn’t have. I made excuses of not having the right connections, not having enough money to record a demo – and I didn’t… but I should have done more to get those connections, I should have begged, borrowed and stolen to get the money for the demo (okay, maybe not stolen). I always had plenty of wishbone but was always lacking in backbone!
I woulda entertained millions instead of handfuls. I would have had money and been able to provide for the children I chose to bring into my world. I would not now feel the weight of so much of the talent and potential being wasted.
Yes, I am not going to be one of those people who lie and say they have no regrets.
Thankful. Hopeful. Determined. The words of a Dreamer yet unawake. Some might call that delusion, or deception. Yesterday, at church, we were encouraged by the pastor to not chase a “pipe dream”. But my dream was never a pipe dream. My dream was always, as long as I had youth and talent, definitely in the realm of possibilities. My dream is now a flicker, and no more than that… and, of the three of those words, I must admit that I could be a whole lot more of the latter two. But, my dream could never have been, or never be, called a pipe dream. And, it is a dream that, albeit just a flicker, doesn’t merely lie there languishing, waiting to die gracefully; no, it still gasps and fights for breath.
Is it too late? Honestly? For worldwide celebrity, yes. I am definitely not in any delusion over that. Age and health as it is. I am no longer the little girl with the incredible voice. I am no longer the young woman with the incredible voice. I am now the tired, middle-aged woman that can still sing and still loves to perform. But, really, I ceased to “need” such a vast audience a long time ago. I am, truly, very thankful for the handfuls when I get them. I am really okay with limited “fame”…as long as it happens and as long it continues (without the stops and starts), that is…I’m happy as long as I am known – and will keep being known – for who I am and what I do/can do. What I do need, however, is a regular audience. What I mean is, I need a lot more frequency (and, paid gigs again would be nice, too…back to that wishing I could provide for my family with the only thing I can do)! Oh, yeah, and I do still need the money to record a proper CD. And, so, this is where those latter two words come in, being hopeful and determined to (at least try to) make that happen.
I need help. I still can’t do this on my own. It’s all hoping against hope. And, as I say, I think my determination is still greatly lacking – I am still more wishbone than backbone – but the determination is there. The voice will be heard…and not forgotten.
Last night I had a handful, and it was good. A friend of mine remarked how happy I looked. I told him that I am happiest and feel my best when I am performing. It was the best I had felt since the last time I had the chance to do what I both love, and am good at, doing. I so thoroughly enjoy performing. Not just singing. I do a lot of singing. And, I do enjoy singing…but, there is a certain high I get, a need I have, to perform – to “sell”, to “deliver”, a song. And that is not a need that is met – and, indeed, should not be – by what I do as a worship leader. What I get from leading worship is a hope that I have helped people engage and fellowship with the Most High. The focus there is not on me – I don’t want it to be – the focus is on the Lord, and His goodness and grace and our response to it. I love leading worship, and I feel I have been called and anointed to do it. It is my ministry, and I don’t do it just to have something in the realm of music to do! No, certainly not. But, there is a difference. And, I am simply being honest that I have a need in me to perform…because the ability is there and the passion is there.
Yes, ability and passion I have in abundance. It’s the opportunities I crave. And, whenever I do get even a small opportunity, what it really does is just make me want MORE!
Last night I opened our little programme with Dream A Little Dream Of Me. It’s such a delicious song to do – fun and flirty and vocally challenging all in one, a delight. It went over relatively well, whether or not it inspired anyone who was there (other than Jamie, of course) to dream of a certain redheaded contralto. But I am relatively certain that it is the redheaded contralto herself who was the biggest dreamer there… dreaming a dream of herself. I had that handful, and it was good, indeed, BUT, I am left aching… wondering when the next handful will be. It’s sort of like a one night stand… (right, ahem, I’ll just leave that analogy right there for ya).
So, here, while I am waiting, waiting in the wings, for that next performance – the next hit, the next high, the next…(oh, yeah, we left that analogy, so sorry) – I will leave my reading public (yet another “handful”) with this:
“Sweet dreams ’til sunbeams find you, sweet dreams that leave the worries behind you. And in your dreams, whatever they be, dream a little dream of me.”