One Of Those Days


Today I have had the pervading thought that, no matter how hard I combat a “victim-mentality” (overused term, in my opinion), there are some days when one is hard pressed not to feel like a victim. Now, I am working on not letting my feelings dictate my words and actions. But, for such a feeler as I am, to say it is a challenge is such a gross understatement that it’s almost laughable to use the word “challenge” in place of the word “impossible”.

Almost laughable.

Not impossible. Not probable, I’ll give myself that. But, not impossible.

But feeling the victim and being the victim are two different things, right? I can’t help but sometimes ask, “But, in this situation, aren’t I, in actuality (not just in perception), the victim?” It certainly appears (don’t want to use the word “feels” here) that way.

It’s one of those days.

When I have one of those days, I usually go here. It is my default place (a place of despair and honest longing for death). Occasionally, however, I go to this place instead (a place of whispered promises, lullabies and, most importantly, hope).

…this place (please, listen):

Today, which has been so very much one of those days, I have tried my hardest to turn from the road which leads to the former place to somehow walk the road to the latter one, on purpose. And that, in itself, is hope breathing. So that, when “I close my eyes against the pain”, I am closing them to “dream of better days” I am still trying my best to believe are out there for me.

And, because I know I’m not alone in this struggle (I know I’m not the only one fighting to keep hope alive), I pray that this post reaches out across the interwebz and helps others who are having one of those days, too.


7 responses to “One Of Those Days

  1. I love the scriptures. I also like that the link for the bad “here” doesn’t work (you know how I am). I adore you and the fact that you are breathing in the hope that is so hard to hold on to at times.

    • I just checked the link to the former – I won’t say “bad”, because it’s me – “here”…and it works for me… it SHOULD take you to the video for “Waterfall”. 😉

  2. Autumn, I’ve already told you I have “not quite impossible dreams” and there’s a lot of things where I feel it’s not quite impossible, or nearly impossible but not impossible to deal with them, honestly, yet they are times when one might feel like Atlas. I like Hope Breathing and Waterfall. A huge discussion point in a focus group I participated in was a push to label oneself after a horrific event as a survivor instead of a victim, one woman said she would forever be a victim and resented the goal of her redefining herself. I am ambivalent on that idea, however, you’ve made me wonder if defining myself by the past would be me as a victim, refusing to let the past define me would make me a survivor? I don’t even have the answer to that.

  3. Pingback: Alternative View | Forever Autumn

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