Longing for death is different than being suicidal. With being suicidal, one is actively looking for a way to end their existence in this world. Longing for death is just wishing it would happen without lifting a finger to do it oneself.
Most of the time I am firmly rooted in the longing category. Not today. Today I am suicidal.
I received some bad news yesterday, news that suggests circumstances are getting worse, with even more worse than that to come.
I find myself researching how much of my meds I’d need to take to be fatal.
It’s a practical matter.
Someone says to me, “You’ll survive this.” I don’t want to bloody SURVIVE! Not if it’s going to be so much worse. Why do people think that as long as you keep existing, that’s all that matters? (See my post “Life Goes On”)
However, patience being a virtue, I’m going to wait and see if it’s going to get as terrible as it most likely will. After all, sometimes things do turn around or one gets a bit of a reprieve. There isn’t much hope but, at this point, I cling to a shred. So, I’m not going to down every one of my pills yet. Not today.
I can’t promise about tomorrow or the next. Just not today.
Today I will read my new book and I will make more music that only a few people will take notice of, but will be beautiful nonetheless. I will make love to my piano. And, I will hold to that tiny shred of hope until it, too, is ripped from my aching hands – but, that won’t be today. Today I will let time play out. And, when the stinging tears fall hot and angry from my eyes – as they will – I will tell life I’ve got its number. I will end it when the time comes. And that’s not today.