This is one of my favourite photos from the recent photoshoot that was done for the new band I’m in with fellow singer/songwriter Steve Cartwright, called ‘The Way Out‘. We travelled out to Charnwood Water and, there, this dreamy, romantic visual of me serenading the ducks was captured. It’s like something out of faery…and, there I am in the midst of it… The Songmistress, after all. This image fills me with a sense of otherwordliness… and, of melancholy…of longing.
Things are better in so many ways. I’m making more music now than ever, and it’s being recognised and appreciated, at least to a degree. No, it’s not nearly as much as I’d like it to be or even NEED it to be in order to contribute to the paying of my own bills and support of my family. But, whilst still firmly in the Land of Obscurity, there is now a map for people to follow and find me.
Things are worse, however. I am exhausted. I wonder how long I can push myself to perform like this, when my body and mind are as weak as they are. People who would have assumed that I would ‘perk up’ if I was given a few more gigs, were sadly mistaken. My health issues haven’t magically gone away with this limited success. If anything, I have to fight all the harder…and, sometimes, I am failing miserably in trying to cope.
I’m scared. Scared that this little taste is all I’ll get before life kicks me in the teeth again with my deteriorating health and leave me unable to even do this little bit of what I’m doing to get my music out there.
To be honest, this would be my ideal: once every couple of months, have a large, paid gig where I get to perform all my own songs to an appreciative, adoring audience. The rest of the time being able to rest, write a bit, while having enough fans to support this down time by buying my albums and singles. Go to the ocassional folk club and acoustic open mic, just to stay sharp for those bigger gigs and to socialise with other musician friends.
Sounds lovely. WAKE UP! It’s a dream, and the reality is I’m old and sick and tired, and in order to get seen (and, subsequently, heard) I have to go hither and yon and play covers in pubs late at night in order to get paid, because I just can’t seem to reach that fanbase to sell my music. I know they’re out there…but it’s reaching them. I can’t seem to reach them online.
Oh, what am I sitting here writing this for? I should be in bed resting..or rehearsing. I feel the weight of futility here. I’m talking to a wall again. Oh, to travel to that place, that place of faery, where I AM The Songmistress, and to never more return from there.