When Your Brain is Your Worst Enemy

I hate my brainToday I had one of those BPD experiences where I freaked out because I thought someone was leaving my life. However, I actually handled it slightly better than usual, and fortunately what I feared – this time – wasn’t the case.

The problem is, we borderlines know what it’s like.  Too well.  Another friend. Gone.  Because they couldn’t handle us.  So, when we think we see it happening again…

AAAARRRRGGGGHHHHHH, NO!  STOP.  Not again. Not this one.  Please.  Ugh.

After I finally found out what exactly was going on, I felt silly for the paranoia and conclusion jumping.  But, seeing as I still grieve the loss of certain people in my life who decided they no longer wanted to be there… I still feel the paranoia was justified, if unwarranted.

I suppose it’s also the realisation of how much I am attached to this person, as well.  BPD all over the place.  I just don’t know how to be friends without a deep attachment, akin to falling in love, but that sounds way too freaky – there needs to be some other name for it.  Attachment isn’t right.  Falling isn’t right.  I don’t know what is right.  It’s almost like an infection – like you get infected with another person.  Eeewww, that sounds terrible.  So, we haven’t hit upon the right term yet. I’ll think of it. In time.  I’ll probably write a song about it.

As I say, I dodged the bullet this time. And, I’m grateful.  But, today has reminded me how not right in the head I am. And, yeah, that sucks.

Too. Hot. Brain. Not. Work.

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Hot weather seriously impairs my cognitive function and even small physical movements are exhausting. This post will be short.

But, I’ve noticed that many of us who suffer with squishy brains (as a good friend of mine calls mental illness) and other chronic illness have this problem with the heat. It has a debilitating effect. While others are lapping up what they call a lovely day, we’re lying nearly comatose wondering when we’ll be able to move and think at the same time again.

Today is supposed to be the hottest day on record in Britain. And, I’m feeling it. Just writing this post is taxing me greatly…and, I’m in bed with the fan blowing on me at the highest setting. So, I’ll end it here. But, if you’re like me, you’re not alone. You’re right…summer, and this weather, sucks!