I’m Not Complaining (a poem, of sorts)

I am a wreck, a ruin – a life-ravaged soul, aching, longing to be free.

I don’t mean to complain.  I’m not complaining.  I’m hurting, can’t you see?

Am I broken, or was I never meant to be here at all, that I cannot handle this life?

I know nothing any longer but the weariness and longing, the exhaustion too intense to fight.

And, the metre’s out of sync, and the sorrow’s out of bounds,

my fatigue is fatigued; waking leaves me drained – let me sleep away my time –

and there goes the rhyme, along with the metre –

again, I’m a failure…

but, I’m not complaining; that should be plain to all.

I’m hurting, longing, aching –

and, like this poorly written verse,

my end is not forthcoming.

©Autumn Dawn Leader 2015

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The Face of Borderline Personality Disorder

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When you hear from a trained medical professional that, in all probability, you have a personality disorder, it’s a hard thing to take. Even if, like I, you’ve done your research and expected as much. To hear your conclusion supported would be difficult.

Thoughts of, “I knew it. I’m fucked up. This proves I am a mistake”, fill your mind, no matter how long you’ve been fighting to combat such thoughts with, “I have worth. My life has value. I have a purpose.”

Such a diagnosis would seem to support the theory that “I am broken and very little can be done about it.”

This disorder has negatively affected me my entire life. It has made me despair of life. And nothing, absolutely nothing, has helped in a significant way. Life, for me (sorry, Mother) sucks.

I’ve tried faking happiness. I’ve tried being a good, “on fire” Christian, confessing all the scriptures about who I am in Christ. And, I did it with determination. Not for just a short, uncommitted while, but for years. To no avail. Because, this thing was bigger.

That sounds like heresy to most Bible believers. Well, burn me at the stake. Fit me in your theology. You can’t.

I’ve tried meditation. This comes closer to what the Bible talks about when referring to renewing the mind, but most Christians flee from it as “Eastern Mysticism”. But, sitting in silence, reflecting on spiritual identity and the eternal (as opposed to being always caught up with the physical and temporal), is much more effective in becoming spiritually minded (as the Bible says we are to do) than the unhelpful teaching you get from so many Churches.

And, there again, I feel that if I wasn’t so messed up to begin with, this meditation and practice of mindfulness would really make life decent. I can certainly see that in the lives of other people.

But.

I have a personality disorder. I actually am a bloody victim (of life, genes, chemicals in the brain, etc.), as are all who suffer with this. And, we start many steps back from the rest who are able to use these methods to improve life and make it worth living.

Where do I go from here? I will be referred to community mental health. More and varied meds (and med combinations) will be tried. I will trudge on a little while longer to see if anything they do makes a significant difference for the better. If not, however… well, I’ll cross that bridge when it’s in front of me and the other options are exhausted.

Wholeness That Swallows Up My Brokenness

“In Him I meet wholeness that swallows up my brokenness.” – Autumn Dawn Leader

I call out to God from my depths. The depths of despair. The depths of depression. The depths of depravity. The depths of myself. The depths of my humanity. And, in Him I find mercy, forgiveness, help, hope and healing; I find full redemption.

In Him I meet wholeness that swallows up my brokenness.