I Cannot Defy Gravity, BUT…

…it appears I can defy logic. I’ve been contemplating this post (or one like it, lol) for days now, editing and re-editing in my mind, wondering exactly how much to say, what wording to use.  When I saw that two of my biggest blog fans were having withdrawls (they posted on my fb wall, encouraging me to post), I knew I just needed to stop the deliberation, stop it and WRITE. This was punctuated by my husband saying to me before going out to indulge in creative endeavour that he, too, felt that I should do something creative while he was out taking pictures. One of his helpful suggestions was blogging. So, here I am…

One thing I have never been is average.  Average equates boring to me. I’ve never tried to avoid average, really. I just don’t “do” average; it’s simply not me. However, as a woman gets older, even a woman who is not your a-typical multi-tasking, shoe-loving, shopping-adoring, sex-avoiding type, the worries of becoming your average middle aged frump-bag can arise.  I am in no way a natural beauty to begin with (what you see in photos and when I appear on stage or out in public takes work, I tell you). But, feeling beautiful, attractive, etc… for someone with a rejection complex, this, this need to be and feel desirable, it is an issue. And, getting older can radically mess with one’s psyche. 

Now, I know what some of you will say to me: “Autumn, really, you should not be concerned with such things. They are trivial, they are shallow.  And, shouldn’t it be enough that your wonderful husband tells you that you are beautiful?”  Hmm… well…  let’s analyze.  As I say, I have issues, and somewhere inside of me I need to know I am attractive. It can be argued that this is a flaw, a weakness. That may very well be. But, I am honest enough to admit, yes, the affirmation makes me feel...better. Yes, it’s like medicine. And, I like being medicated, hehe. Add to that, I am extremely grateful that my husband, indeed, (still) does find me attractive (I know how blessed I am that this is so), but, although I know that he doesn’t just tell me that because he loves me or because he feels obligated to do so (in other words, he doesn’t just tell me to make me feel better about myself, he sincerely believes it), sometimes I have a mental block in that area and assume that he is simply being very kind because he does love me. 

However, all it takes is a few well-placed, un-fished for, sincere, and completely illogical compliments coming from a totally surprising source and – suddenly – I look in the mirror, still see the rolls and the grey hair…BUT… I feel beautiful.  I am defying logic, because someone took the time to defy logic and actually think I am attractive enough to say so. 

Suddenly I think… well, so and so is younger than me…by quite a bit… have they been drinking? No, hmmm…  no alterior motive?  Nothing to be gained at all…other than a great big smile from a middle aged woman.  It’s not logical.  Not at all.  And, then, suddenly I think…(I am over-using the elipsis, I know…no, that’s not what I suddenly think…but, I am over-using the elipsis…I digress…anywho…) perhaps Jamie isn’t just trying to make me feel better about myself – it causes me to re-evaluate: perhaps, I’m really not that bad. Perhaps, I’ve still got it!. In fact, Jamie loves it when he notices other men looking at me with an admiring eye. He gets to turn to me and tell me, “I told you so. You are gorgeous, accept it.”  Often, I just laugh this off as a fluke… like, well, if someone thinks I look good, they must be a bit mental. Then Jamie tells me to stop putting myself down and just accept the compliment. He grins that know-it-all grin when he sees someone flirting with me. While I think it defies logic, he is thinking, “See, woman! I’m not making it up! Now will you believe me?!?!” I must say, when it comes to this, I am a bit thick-skulled. I don’t know why. It’s not like I am a particularly logical person…so why should this bit of illogicalness boggle my mind so much?  But, it does. It defies logic. And, I love it!

So, what am I saying here? I don’t know, maybe this is a simple lesson in self-esteem and self-confidence as it applies to body image and aging.  More likely, I just wanted to share something priceless that makes me smile and feel good…good enough to blog about. Perhaps I am telling the young men who might be reading this that if they honestly find an older woman attractive (whether or not they are a taken older woman), they should tell them. It’s not about getting something. It’s not about a come-on. It’s about giving that woman a priceless gift.  Don’t do it unless it’s sincere (she’ll know the difference); do it only if you genuinely think it. But, please, don’t be afraid to do it. You will make more than that woman’s day – you will bless that woman’s psyche. Suddenly, she is defying logic…

and, you know what? Defying logic feels like defying gravity!