Searching For You

C.S. Lewis said, ‘We read to know we are not alone.’

This is also why we listen to music. And, ‘if sad songs say so much’, as Elton John has rightly said, then my songs speak volumes.

This post is about me finding the right fan base for my music.  See, I know I’m not alone out there in what I suffer with major depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder, chronic pain, suicidal thoughts and everything that goes along with these conditions. In writing this blog, and reading others, I have certain proof that I am not alone. And, yet, we are all uniquely alone in what we individually suffer. My music helps me to express and, in a very magical way, make beauty come from the horrific thing called life/existence. This is my gift. However, in another way, it complicates matters, because, with it, comes the intense frustration, anger, and sadness of not seeming to be able to get my music out there to the people it will most speak to and resonate with.

The thing is, I need a fan base—and I KNOW you’re out there, I’ve even spoken to a good number of you. Now, there are just a whole lot of people who aren’t ever going to like and support my music (even those who rave about my voice and talent), simply because they can’t relate to it.  I need to find those of you who will relate and find some comfort, expression and solidarity in what I do. I know I’m not alone, but I seem to keep pitching my music to the same people who don’t understand what I am going through in my daily life in general. In this way, I need a very specific audience. I know that audience does exist.  And, I truly believe it is an audience that NEEDS a musical voice.

I don’t want this post to just be some advertisement. And, I don’t want it to be me begging for people to check out my music like some sad failed loser of an indie artist. This is simply me putting out a search to see who’s out there in this Blogdom that my music might touch. ‘Hello? Is it me you’re looking for?’

Yes, I know that even for those of us with similar health problems, our musical tastes are not all going to be the same, of course…  but, if you are a music lover, just check my stuff out – if it vibes with you, then great. I do incorporate a wide range of styles in what I write and perform, so there’s a good chance that something I do will hit the spot.

I’ve just released a new studio album for digital download.  No, I am not giving it away for free (giving away my stuff in the past hasn’t helped me gain fans anyway). Musicians have bills to pay, like all craftsmen/craftswomen. I REALLY shouldn’t have to explain this, but in this day and age where musical talent can be faked with software and those of us with real gifts are left in an industry bankrupt and bereft, without a leg to stand on, many of us feel forced to give our lifeblood away in any desperate bid to get noticed. The thing is, most of us literally cannot afford to do it. I cannot afford to do it. Furthermore, it’s worth far more than the modest price I’ve put on it anyway.  I owe it to the other fine musicians and the exceptional producer I worked with to bring this piece of art and labour of love to completion to not just ‘give it away’, as if all our hard work meant nothing. Good music, real music… it costs something.  It costs those of us who make it – it should cost those of you who hear it. It’s part of the deal – it costs us all, but we ALL get so much in return…look at it as an investment. And, finding something you personally can relate to…well, that value cannot be understated or underrated.

So, this album isn’t a freebie, but you can listen to the tracks on bandcamp without paying; however, if you want to own the album and listen whenever and wherever you are, get the special bonus track and extra artwork, as well as support me as an artist (I’ll be eternally grateful), well, then, surely that makes the tiny monetary price a worthy investment.

Thank you for reading and listening. I hope I will hear from you soon.  Most of all, I hope (there’s that four letter word again) my music will reach who will most benefit from hearing it. I’ll finish here and let the songs speak for themselves.


Climb The Steps In Your Imagination

After the high of having a good day yesterday, today/tonight I am quite out of sorts. I wrestle with how much to share, not because of the sensitive nature of what is causing me angst, but out of desire to be understood, and I don’t know how much of my present woe will be understood by a wide audience. It’s a musician thing… and then, to further narrow the field of those who would “get it”, it’s – specificially – a worship leader thing (well, part of it is a worship leader thing – a big part of it, but there’s some more to what’s upsetting me and most of it is under the heading of “tortured artist”).  And, I don’t want to exclude my readers and be, well, exclusive. And, it would take too long to explain. So…I shall type those immortal words: never mind.

So, in looking for some solace (read escape) from this pervading sense of woe, I have perused my WordPress reader, to find that one of my favourite bloggers has put up this:

Photo Post: Curving steps at Williamson Park, Lancaster.

And, while the photo is nice and the place sounds intriguing, it’s Mark’s line,

“Climb the steps in your imagination and let me know what you see.”

that grabbed me and inspired this post.

I could camp here. I could write a song – and, I don’t know, maybe I shall – on this line. Certainly, if I don’t, someone should. What glories such a line evokes. But, what of the practical application of Mark’s advice?

I stand at the foot of winding stone steps. I cannot see the top from where I stand. I am tired. I am weary. I am out of sorts. I want to sit and rest, not to climb – and yet, these steps beckon me. I will rest when I reach the top, I think – I…hope. Yeah, somehow these steps, the winding stair, the anticipation, it suddenly gives me the motivation I need to move, to climb. Climbing takes effort. I know I will be out of breath by halfway up (I’m not as young as I used to be, and I have heart palpatations and dizzy spells). And, indeed, things begin to get fuzzy and dark around the edges about the time I’m passing the halfway mark. I now wonder why I embarked on this climb in the first place. I now wish I had stayed put, down there. I am now berating myself for ever starting on this foolhardy and sure to be failed mission. Someone, carry me the rest of the way! But, there’s no one there, and it’s either sit down right there in defeat (it’s tempting) or carry on. I could go back down (gravity is in favour), but I’d likely fall if I go in that direction, as dizzy as I am. So, slowly up I go again. One. One more. Another one. Just one more. And again. I’m looking at my feet, willing my legs to go on. My heart pounds and a cold sweat has now broken out on my brow; I feel like I’m going to throw up. I’m nearly there. One more. I lift my eyes…

I see…

I see…


And, that’s the best thing of all I could ever see.