Watch “Silence – a song about depression by AUTUMN DAWN LEADER (with commentary by the artist)” on YouTube

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Of the Thriving and the Awkward

It’s awesome when I see someone find their niche and, not only survive but, really thrive. It’s awesome, and it’s…

I don’t have a word.  I’m always so happy when I see it happen.  It’s beautiful.  But, it’s never happened to me.  And, I know it’s in the makeup of the person, because all situations and people vary.

I have a friend who has recently seperated from her husband and taken a new direction in her life, and everything just fits. She’s happy, she’s popular, she’s thriving.  It’s great to see.  She really deserves this happiness (her husband was a nob).  Instead of being overwhelmed by single motherhood and a new job and everything she’s had to face and take on board… she’s vibrant and happy with a new set of friends and a brimming social life.

I can sometimes get along…cope.  Those times are rare, but they do happen. However, that’s as good as it ever gets for me.  No fitting, and certainly no thriving.

Bummer.

Even when I am coping (in other words, not a totally nonfunctioning basket case) I am almost always uncomfortable, out there in the world outside my door. With the exception of when I am performing music to an appreciative audience.  I am painfully awkward otherwise and just, generally, unsuccessful.  Unsuccessful at life. Akward might be the adjective that describes me best.

Maybe that’s par for the course for someone with Borderline Personality Disorder.  After nearly 40 years, I should be used to it by now.  I should just get on with the business of existing as best I can and be grateful (which I am) for a husband that supports and looks after me, helping me to get through the days when breathing and being awake is acutely painful – and, believe me, the pain is real.  I should focus on the positive:  those precious music making/sharing moments where I feel ok out there in a world I don’t fit into.

I’m trying.  I honestly hope I am not here for another 40 years; I do not want to live in this body that long.  But, I am really trying to nix the negativity and build up some positivity.  Meditation helps.   It does help, is helping… it helps knowing that whether I ever feel ok breathing, existing, here, in life, I do have value; I do contribute something.

All this being said, when I see my friend (or anyone else) landing on their feet and veritably spilling over with the true enjoyment of living, there are those times I long to feel that love of life thing… and the not feeling it, along with all the akwardness (at best) and severe pain (at worst) that I do feel, can be overwhelmingly sad.

Again, bummer.

So, anywho, in the spirit of contributing… here’s my latest meditation song.  Thank you for reading and listening. Om shanti.

 

 

 

Meditation Music

Meditation Music

What is meditation? It’s a method to cultivate awareness and stillness – to “be still and know”. I have found that it is a help in coping with mental illness as well as dealing with every day (what, I guess, would be termed “normal”) struggles. Being a musician and songwriter, meditation music has become an interest to me, and an avenue to share my gift.

Do you meditate? Do you know someone who does? Check out the new page of my website and one of the new directions my music is taking me.

It is a method to cultivate awareness. To “be still and know”. To connect to the now. – See more at: http://www.autumndawnleader.com/meditation_music#sthash.urw2tjpN.dpuf
It is a method to cultivate awareness. To “be still and know”. To connect to the now. – See more at: http://www.autumndawnleader.com/meditation_music#sthash.urw2tjpN.dpuf
It is a method to cultivate awareness. To “be still and know”. To connect to the now. – See more at: http://www.autumndawnleader.com/meditation_music#sthash.urw2tjpN.dpuf

A Moment of Silence

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One of those days when it’s all getting to me… and that always amplifies my angst at the shittiness of people not giving a shit and my frustration at the ughness of life.

Well, read the tagline… it is a blog about rants, after all.  I am attempting to live in the present and develop a more positive outlook… through mindfulness meditation I am cultivating awareness, and it is helping. But, in all honesty, I do ride the line of hope and hopelessness. I have moments when I experience a small taste of freedom. Moments of silence, as an observer; moments of not being caught up in my thoughts and the feeling of helplessness and the… the lifeyness of it all and the unfairness of talent going unappreciated, the lack of a caring audience, the inability to do something to support myself and my family through my gift, the agitation and anger at my mental health (or lack thereof and the limitations it causes).  Oh, but…on a sideline, speaking of an audience, I do want to say “hello” and “thank you” to the new followers of the blog I have recently acquired. And, then, there are these other moments of silence. Grieving the dead dream, along with my own longing for death… a deep sadness that creeps around the edges and stains the present old-photograph-yellow. Awareness gets swallowed up in reverie and rumination and the silence is filled with a scream of anguish about…well, about all those above mentioned things and more.

It’s just a moment. 

Only a moment. I won’t stop playing and making music for long. It feeds my soul and even though I can’t “make a living” from it, it is my life. My therapy and expression and, as I said here, I do want to make beautiful things whether or not anybody cares.  No matter what Don McLean wrote, there has never been a day when the music has died. Music lives and is powerful medicine. Dreams die. Musicians die. But music? It’s eternal. And so…

I’ll have my moments (now and then) for grieving the dream, but I will never stop making the music. And, I will also continue to take time for moments of silence where I go beyond the despair of life to experience a level of…something close to enjoyment of the present. Until I, at last, get to finally join my dead dream in rest.

Won’t you join me in a moment of silence?