The First Smile of the Day

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Bombarded, tormented, overwhelmed, I went to bed last night. Meditation helped to calm the rush of my thoughts, but the cacophony never stays silent for long. I slept. I woke up. My first thought when I wake up is always, “NO! Please. No, not again.”

A rough morning. In bed with my thoughts while my husband attempts to get the kids to do their homework. Feeling hopeless.

I cry, but I know tears won’t fix anything. My husband brings me coffee and something to break my fast. I eat and drink and listen to an audio book. I play Bejeweled. I work on losing my accent; it disgusts me.

I have determined to rid myself of the vexing accent. But, like everything else detestable about myself, it continues to force itself upon me unwanted.

The American accent is hard, ugly. It sticks out like an extremely sore thumb. It’s distressingly unmusical sounding. Rough…and comical. It sounds uneducated, even if one has been an academic and applied themselves to learning.

It’s another of my exercises in futility; another losing battle. But…I keep trying.

I don’t know why it should be so difficult for me to affect the superior, musical lilt. I’m a musician. A singer. This would suggest that I have a good ear, that I am able to match pitch and mimic sound. I DO IT ALL THE BLOODY TIME. I should be able to “sing” the “song” of received English just the same.

But, I should be able to make phone calls, too.

Yeah… sigh and #!*%¡*¢!

Needing a lyre harp and being unable to get one (everyone who sells the ones I can afford insist on using paypal…why can’t they just take plastic??? And, no, don’t tell me how brilliant paypal is; it really isn’t…and anyway, the bottom line is, I can’t get my harp).

Obsessed and tormented. A morning of frustrated tears.

Then. I asked Jamie to bring me a big shirt to put on…me being sans clothing and thinking about getting out of bed. I referred to my nakedness. He smiled and cupped my breast in his hand. Suddenly, my face, there it was: the first smile of the day.

My husband locked the door and the therapy continued.

Music is therapeutic. Meditation is therapeutic. I regularly post about my therapies of choice. Sex is a particularly excellent one.

Why? Like music, there is surrender and abandon; it overcomes the mind and can drown out the cacophony. Also, there’s the giving aspect: I’m not only receiving pleasure (and therapy), I’m giving therapy. It’s good medicine.

Sexual healing. It’s not just a song. It’s a science. My smile is proof. 

Desperation and obsession still assault me, desire, frustration, exhaustion… but, any moment of relief, delight is something so precious, something to be grateful for. As I write, the smile makes another appearance. And, I’ll finish this post with the meme I made for my FB page yesterday:

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More and More Introverted

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I am an introvert. It doesn’t happen to be one of my many flaws. It isn’t a mental illness. I freely admit that I am mentally ill, with many issues which negatively affect my daily life. However, being an introvert isn’t a negative; it isn’t an illness anymore than being extrovert is.

An extrovert is energised by social interaction. They are the people who have places to go and people to see.

An introvert may occasionally find social interaction interesting and even enjoyable to varying degrees, but they will also find it draining.

The extrovert needs to be “out there” to recharge, while the “out there” will sap the introvert’s battery.

Now, no doubt, my illness compounds my avoidance of many social situations, and can make even shopping or taking the kids to school a challenge. My prevalent state could be called “manic hermit”. The fact that I have…disabilities… can (and do indeed) play on my normal (nothing wrong with it) introverted nature…which can, then, make people think there is something very wrong with it/me. Yeah…I have to fight the urge to do the hermit-thing all the time. As I say, the illness can compound matters.

I do fight/have fought. But, more and more, I enjoy the retreat, the solitude, the away-ness from humans and humanity (how they/it can annoy me).

I find solace in my books, my music, in my thoughts about the nature of the soul. I also find creativity here, in the place of solitude and silence.

I don’t hate people, but I can find them frustrating and draining. At least in large doses! I have people I am quite fond of…ones I am incredibly grateful for, and some I could not do without.

But the dragon (and, the dragon I am) needs her cave. And…that ISN’T one of the things that is wrong with me.

I just felt the need to affirm that.

So, here’s to all of us, introverts and extroverts. Be who you are and recharge as you were designed to.