All Stirred Up

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Please, forgive me if this post gets a bit fragmented. But, pieces, all over the place, that’s what I am right now. I often think how great it would be if we could defrag our minds as we do our computers. I think meditation can help in that… but, it isn’t fool proof. And, under the word human in the dictionary should be the simple definition: fool. But, I digress, and I simply beg you to stick with me. I have a question for you, but you’ll have to be patient and wade through my frag-mental stew.

I wax very philosophical at present. It started this morning with thinking about harmonics, vibration, and the nature of the universe. Deep stuff, yeah. How we’re instruments. Out of tune with ourselves, subsequently out of tune with the whole orchestra.

This analogy continued with thinking about the music we make and listen to. As society deteriorates, how the sound of that disturbance – that humongous discord – has been recreated by heavy, thrash and grunge metalists. I saw this music in a new light. There are those musicians/artists who hold on tightly to the sound of order and beauty in their music, because it is what they crave and desire; it is a wish for it to be as it should. Then, there are other artists who are “telling it like it is”, so to speak. That horrible (to my ears) harsh sound, is how the universe, how life, how we human fools sound!

I’ll take the analogy further. You can’t play anything worth listening to on a broken instrument. Musical instruments are fragile.

I could go on. But… I won’t. I’m tired and the burden of a broken soundboard is too great. I think I’ve made my point anyway.

Which direction do you stir your coffee, tea, hot chocolate, etc. in? Clockwise or counterclockwise? (This is the question.)

This morning I suddenly became aware that I always naturally stir counterclockwise.

Surely, there must be some psychology behind the direction in which we stir.

Interesting.

There are, most likely, studies about it. Certainly, some neuroscientist should be getting paid to find out why one stirs this way and another stirs that way.

So, what about you? Which way do you stir?

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All Things in Moderation, Including Being Extreme

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Extreme. Whenever I’ve encountered one of those survey/questionnaire thingies that ask you to “describe yourself in one word”, this is the word I usually choose.

The conflict arises when, in the endeavor to be a spiritual, soul conscious person, I am faced with the seemingly contradictory word: balance. A basic spiritual principle is “all things in moderation“.

When you take a look at moderation, it would appear that one could not be extreme and moderate at the same time. But, if that’s the case, no extremism allowed, I have found in my personal experience that moderation and balance quickly devolve into legalism. And, that’s just another form of extremism. Where, exactly, is the balance?

In addressing this for myself (I do not presume to tell you what you should do), I have come to the conclusion (after much consideration) that my way forward is to accept and embrace my extremeness (it’s a word now). However, I will not give myself over to complete abandonment to the extreme only, as I have done in times past. I intend to engage on a path of tempered extremism, exploring ALL aspects of my nature and enjoying what I can – both in the spiritual and physical realms.

In continuing to meditate and focus on the inner being, while allowing myself freedom to enjoy the full range of my sensuality, I will have a balance.

That’s the plan, anyway.

By Any Other Name (a big decision to make)

wpid-20140719_163024_20140720144052585.jpgI remember a long time ago when a publishing company wanted my mother (author and artist Ginilou DeMarco) to write her books under a non de plume (for the slightly less aware, an alias; for the just plain stupid, another name), she didn’t want to do it, and I couldn’t blame her. Part of having talent and sharing it is getting the credit for it as yourself. But, more and more I’m thinking that maybe, just perhaps, that is our ego talking: our bodies have these names, but our souls do not. And, so… I am considering releasing my next album under another name.

I love my name.  I always have.  My name is cool. It used to be very unique.  It isn’t anymore.  Unique, that is.  It is still cool (but, of course, I am biased).  I was proud of my name even back when people never got it right because only a very small handful of people had named their child “Autumn” (much less “Autumn Dawn” – I believe, I was the first…I may be wrong.  But, of all the Autumn Dawns I have subsuequently found out about, I am the oldest…making me the original since 1974) and I got called every other name starting with A instead of my name. Or, worse (and this still annoys me to this day, because I still get it occassionally), they would call me only by my middle name.  Ugh.  My name is Autumn Dawn.  Or just Autumn. It is NEVER “Dawn”!!!

In learning soul consciousness versus body consciousness (the internal and eternal as opposed to the external and temporary), I know that while this is my present name, it is not, however, who I am. This body’s name is Autumn Dawn, but I am a soul. And, the thing is, my music has never been successful under this name.

Now, the talent maybe associated with my body, I know.  But, creativity is a spiritual quality, an aspect of the eternal identity, the being or soul. And, specifically, music is definitely a spiritual thing.

So, these are my reasons for considering a release in another name.  Authors do it all the time (when they want to), and look at Prince, or the artist formally known as, Symbol, or whatever he is calling himself and releasing his music under these days.  And, many musical artists chose from the first to go by another name.  Of course, I know, Prince may not be a perfect example here, because he was successful as Prince…  but, yeah… anywho. Hopefully, you see my point.

While I am proud of my lovely name and proud of my gift (music), it isn’t much of a gift if it isn’t getting the exposure and getting out there.  A gift should be giving.  I have tried.  I have failed and failed and failed.  Well, “Autumn Dawn” has failed and failed anyway.

Thus, this serious consideration to release an album under another name (not sure what just yet).  I would really very much like to hear what other people (you, my readers) think about this.  Talk to me.  I’d appreciate some feedback here.  It’s a big decision.

 

 

 

I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For

It was probably inevitable that I cover this song at some point, but it’s most appropriate to do so now. This is very much where I am…in my life, with my faith, with my mental health (and lack thereof). “I believe…

help thou my unbelief.”

I feel I have climbed and run and crawled. I’ve tried this. That. Not only tried, but… lived it, with zeal. And, here I am. Climbed, run and crawled out. Weary. And, STILL and ever longing for death.

And, I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.

The Face of Borderline Personality Disorder

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When you hear from a trained medical professional that, in all probability, you have a personality disorder, it’s a hard thing to take. Even if, like I, you’ve done your research and expected as much. To hear your conclusion supported would be difficult.

Thoughts of, “I knew it. I’m fucked up. This proves I am a mistake”, fill your mind, no matter how long you’ve been fighting to combat such thoughts with, “I have worth. My life has value. I have a purpose.”

Such a diagnosis would seem to support the theory that “I am broken and very little can be done about it.”

This disorder has negatively affected me my entire life. It has made me despair of life. And nothing, absolutely nothing, has helped in a significant way. Life, for me (sorry, Mother) sucks.

I’ve tried faking happiness. I’ve tried being a good, “on fire” Christian, confessing all the scriptures about who I am in Christ. And, I did it with determination. Not for just a short, uncommitted while, but for years. To no avail. Because, this thing was bigger.

That sounds like heresy to most Bible believers. Well, burn me at the stake. Fit me in your theology. You can’t.

I’ve tried meditation. This comes closer to what the Bible talks about when referring to renewing the mind, but most Christians flee from it as “Eastern Mysticism”. But, sitting in silence, reflecting on spiritual identity and the eternal (as opposed to being always caught up with the physical and temporal), is much more effective in becoming spiritually minded (as the Bible says we are to do) than the unhelpful teaching you get from so many Churches.

And, there again, I feel that if I wasn’t so messed up to begin with, this meditation and practice of mindfulness would really make life decent. I can certainly see that in the lives of other people.

But.

I have a personality disorder. I actually am a bloody victim (of life, genes, chemicals in the brain, etc.), as are all who suffer with this. And, we start many steps back from the rest who are able to use these methods to improve life and make it worth living.

Where do I go from here? I will be referred to community mental health. More and varied meds (and med combinations) will be tried. I will trudge on a little while longer to see if anything they do makes a significant difference for the better. If not, however… well, I’ll cross that bridge when it’s in front of me and the other options are exhausted.