Highs and Lows (and, How Time Can Make Things Worse Instead of Better)

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Mark and I arrived at the Festival excited and looking forward to performing. To abbreviate a long story, things didn’t go as planned. A rough crowd and a worse sound system ensured failure regardless of our talent and performance. Needless to say, it was a bummer. However, last night, when it happened, I handled it with objectivity and humour; instead of throwing a tantrum and dissolving into a torrent of tears and ragings against the bastard that is life, I was calm and positive. “Hey, it happens to the best. This wasn’t our night or our crowd. There will be other/better gigs.” I consoled my friend and music partner, even regaling him with one of my mother’s favourite gig horror stories. I wasn’t even faking it. I was disappointed, but I didn’t feel despairing.

But, that was last night. Time is supposed to help things. This is a myth. It rarely helps. It often makes worse.

When I woke up this morning, the despair sat waiting to pounce on me. I’ve been drowning in it since.

Last Sunday was such a massive high, and it’s difficult not to get hopeful from such experiences.

Life plays this cruel cat and mouse game. And, I’m sad and angry. And, so tired.

Tomorrow, I have a very overdue appointment with Mental Health. I wonder what new exercise in futility it will be. The Dr. I had previously seen is no longer there, then I missed an appointment back in May because I had forgotten the date and was too ill to get out of the house and deal with it. Now, there’s someone new to have to deal with. And, I have no hope to spare for the appointment. Perhaps, I’ll be pleasantly surprised, but it’s most likely going to be a waste of time.

Did I mention, I’m tired? When I say I’m tired, I mean that every aching bone in my body is crying out with weariness.

I am still very thankful for those rare good times, of course. And, a little good is better than no good at all. But, those times always make me want and expect more. I get hopeful. I start visualising success (which “they” say is the thing to do).  And, then, the kick in the teeth comes…and, it’s overwhelming, gut-aching sorrow.

And, yeah, maybe there will be some more good coming…there will be the last Sundays. But, then, there will be the last nights and the tomorrows, too. And, I’m just so fucking tired.

I’ll leave you with this… because it’s what I do, and this song seems fitting…and, who doesn’t love some Mumford & Sons? And, because, I’m still pathetic fool enough to hope.

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I don’t have a title for this…it’s just a post about how I am right now.

I’ve often explained that depression is NOT sadness. It’s more of a pervasive weariness, an extreme exhaustion…of everything. When I get tired, it’s more difficult than ever to see anything but what’s wrong with life.

I am very tired right now.  Physically, I am drained.  Is it age? Crappy health? I’m actually exercising more than ever (thanks to Ingress geting me out walking most every day), but it doesn’t matter the form of exercise, it never leaves me with that endorphin lift all the experts (and gym nuts – you know who YOU are!) swear everyone gets.  No, not everyone does get a lift from exercise.  Some of us just feel more pain than usual.  However, my Ingress obsession has kept me active despite feeling like total poo.

I’m not singing either. It’s like I can’t be bothered. Can’t be bothered to do vocal exercises or take care of my voice. It’s almost like I began to be as apathetic as the majority of the world when it comes to my talent. “Oh, you don’t want to discover how great I am? You don’t want to hear me? Yeah, well…fine. Really.”

It’s sort of scary, because I’ve never really been this far down – so down that I no longer care about my music and, specifically, my voice…and, I really do not care.

I’m tired.

Life is just so… hard.

I want to rest.

Alas… another day comes… and, trudge, trudge, trudge… oh, look, another portal!

Oh, yeah…and, I know., I usually post some sort of arty visual with my blog posts but… I couldn’t be bothered to do that either.  I only had enough energy for the words. You all know what I look like by now anyway.

So…

Well, I have to say, I’m disgruntled and disappointed by the lack of response to yesterday’s blog post. I had thought, after the relative popularity of the proceeding post (which was an introduction to yesterday’s), that it would have incited some attention.  Looks like I was wrong again; it certainly hasn’t inspired any conversation, and none of my followers have “liked” it. Hmph.

I lay in my bed today, weary. That kind of  weariness that often hits me, leaving me – as the line in my song says – “dreaming of living, longing for death.”

Ease. What I really long for is a complete ease of being.

I’m so tired. So…

 

No visual today…  you get words, and you get a song.  And, I… I’m going to keep dreaming and longing.