I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For

It was probably inevitable that I cover this song at some point, but it’s most appropriate to do so now. This is very much where I am…in my life, with my faith, with my mental health (and lack thereof). “I believe…

help thou my unbelief.”

I feel I have climbed and run and crawled. I’ve tried this. That. Not only tried, but… lived it, with zeal. And, here I am. Climbed, run and crawled out. Weary. And, STILL and ever longing for death.

And, I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.

The Darkness Inside

the darkness inside can make you feel so small FOR POST ON FB

It can be overwhelming, suffocating…heavy. Light (the shining kind and opposite of dark) also carries the connotation of being light in weight. So, happy, positive people are seen as “light and easy”. Meh…

I keep trying but I don’t really feel like I’m getting anywhere. And, yet, this small, broken, overwhelmed thing can do something like this:

And, in the darkness, this is what shines.

Meditation Music

Meditation Music

What is meditation? It’s a method to cultivate awareness and stillness – to “be still and know”. I have found that it is a help in coping with mental illness as well as dealing with every day (what, I guess, would be termed “normal”) struggles. Being a musician and songwriter, meditation music has become an interest to me, and an avenue to share my gift.

Do you meditate? Do you know someone who does? Check out the new page of my website and one of the new directions my music is taking me.

It is a method to cultivate awareness. To “be still and know”. To connect to the now. – See more at: http://www.autumndawnleader.com/meditation_music#sthash.urw2tjpN.dpuf
It is a method to cultivate awareness. To “be still and know”. To connect to the now. – See more at: http://www.autumndawnleader.com/meditation_music#sthash.urw2tjpN.dpuf
It is a method to cultivate awareness. To “be still and know”. To connect to the now. – See more at: http://www.autumndawnleader.com/meditation_music#sthash.urw2tjpN.dpuf

The Face of Borderline Personality Disorder


When you hear from a trained medical professional that, in all probability, you have a personality disorder, it’s a hard thing to take. Even if, like I, you’ve done your research and expected as much. To hear your conclusion supported would be difficult.

Thoughts of, “I knew it. I’m fucked up. This proves I am a mistake”, fill your mind, no matter how long you’ve been fighting to combat such thoughts with, “I have worth. My life has value. I have a purpose.”

Such a diagnosis would seem to support the theory that “I am broken and very little can be done about it.”

This disorder has negatively affected me my entire life. It has made me despair of life. And nothing, absolutely nothing, has helped in a significant way. Life, for me (sorry, Mother) sucks.

I’ve tried faking happiness. I’ve tried being a good, “on fire” Christian, confessing all the scriptures about who I am in Christ. And, I did it with determination. Not for just a short, uncommitted while, but for years. To no avail. Because, this thing was bigger.

That sounds like heresy to most Bible believers. Well, burn me at the stake. Fit me in your theology. You can’t.

I’ve tried meditation. This comes closer to what the Bible talks about when referring to renewing the mind, but most Christians flee from it as “Eastern Mysticism”. But, sitting in silence, reflecting on spiritual identity and the eternal (as opposed to being always caught up with the physical and temporal), is much more effective in becoming spiritually minded (as the Bible says we are to do) than the unhelpful teaching you get from so many Churches.

And, there again, I feel that if I wasn’t so messed up to begin with, this meditation and practice of mindfulness would really make life decent. I can certainly see that in the lives of other people.


I have a personality disorder. I actually am a bloody victim (of life, genes, chemicals in the brain, etc.), as are all who suffer with this. And, we start many steps back from the rest who are able to use these methods to improve life and make it worth living.

Where do I go from here? I will be referred to community mental health. More and varied meds (and med combinations) will be tried. I will trudge on a little while longer to see if anything they do makes a significant difference for the better. If not, however… well, I’ll cross that bridge when it’s in front of me and the other options are exhausted.

Sometimes You Just Gotta (What Music Therapy Looks Like)

I’ve said it before…but, it bears repeating (and repeating, and repeating). Music is powerful. It’s spiritual and can be meditative and healing to body, as well as to mind, soul and spirit. Music therapy is a way to use music as medicine, very specifically and effectively. Playing a hand drum increases blood flow (circulation), singing is good for the lungs and nervous system. But that’s just one aspect (and only two examples). We’ve all heard how “music soothes the savage beast”. This isn’t just a saying. There is good medical science behind such a phrase. In making music, we can focus energy positively and that flow of positive energy and vibration can help manage conditions such as anxiety and depression, as well as being a good therapy for those of us who suffer from mood and personality disorders. Music IS powerful. I made this video to extol the virtues of music therapy and showcase just some of the healing benefits of making music.