The Treasure of Pleasure

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Poor health can make one always look on the darkest side, and cultivating an awareness of pleasure can end up lost in a world of pain and suffering. So, in an effort to cultivate that awareness, as part of a mindfulness practice, here is a list – in no particular order – of 10 pleasurable things I have experienced today:

1. String resonance
2. The smell of mint and tea tree shower gel
3. A friend I can talk to about anything
4. Orgasm
5. The taste of coffee that felt like liquid velvet in my mouth
6. The scent of my son’s hair
7. Tender and passionate kisses
8. ‘Krave’ cereal
9. Watching ‘Interstellar’
10. Discovering the game ‘Blendoku’

It isn’t about some positive thinking nonsense of ‘accentuating the positive’ but, rather, noticing the pleasurable, taking delight in the delightful. Being mindful of anything at all that is nice, or just isn’t crappy. It’s easy to notice the shit, because it’s loud and obnoxious. The nice stuff can be there, but soft and subtle. Therefore, it takes looking for it and making over it. And, that’s what I’ve done here.

What’s It Like?

I wonder what it’s like not to hurt.
What’s it like to wake up and be glad that you did instead of being heartbroken that you did?

I don’t want to be here. Life feels like a prison. I’m being punished. Existence is a punishment. I have a life sentence. No possibility of parole. No rock hammer. No poster. Just an endless stretch in Shawshank, getting fucked by Boggs.

What’s it like to be glad you woke up, instead of filled with choking sorrow that you did? What’s it like to blissfully greet another day, to be grateful morning’s come? What kind of sado masochist do you have to be to enjoy this relentless torture?

What’s it like not to long to have someone love you enough to help you die? To help you escape.

What’s it like to be pain free and hopeful and all peachy and rose tinted? What’s it like to have been strong enough that life didn’t break you and make you jaded and cynical?

What’s it like?

When Your Brain is Your Worst Enemy

I hate my brainToday I had one of those BPD experiences where I freaked out because I thought someone was leaving my life. However, I actually handled it slightly better than usual, and fortunately what I feared – this time – wasn’t the case.

The problem is, we borderlines know what it’s like.  Too well.  Another friend. Gone.  Because they couldn’t handle us.  So, when we think we see it happening again…

AAAARRRRGGGGHHHHHH, NO!  STOP.  Not again. Not this one.  Please.  Ugh.

After I finally found out what exactly was going on, I felt silly for the paranoia and conclusion jumping.  But, seeing as I still grieve the loss of certain people in my life who decided they no longer wanted to be there… I still feel the paranoia was justified, if unwarranted.

I suppose it’s also the realisation of how much I am attached to this person, as well.  BPD all over the place.  I just don’t know how to be friends without a deep attachment, akin to falling in love, but that sounds way too freaky – there needs to be some other name for it.  Attachment isn’t right.  Falling isn’t right.  I don’t know what is right.  It’s almost like an infection – like you get infected with another person.  Eeewww, that sounds terrible.  So, we haven’t hit upon the right term yet. I’ll think of it. In time.  I’ll probably write a song about it.

As I say, I dodged the bullet this time. And, I’m grateful.  But, today has reminded me how not right in the head I am. And, yeah, that sucks.

Mixed Feelings (an ‘Inside Out’ film review from one of the 1 in 4)

I have just been to see the new Disney Pixar film ‘Inside Out’ with my husband and two youngest children. I sobbed uncontrollably through most of the movie.

The film is one massive trigger from start to finish; there should be a warning put on it for anyone who suffers from serious mental illness. In particular, for those with major clinical depression, borderline personality disorder and/or PTSD. I can’t personally speak for sufferers of bipolar disorder, but if I were you, I’d tread carefully, as well.

Where my mixed feelings come in is as a parent. This film vividly depicts how life damages us all, how our core memories affect us and the role of emotions in the brain. It can be helpful for teaching children these realities.

As a sufferer of major clinical depression and borderline personality disorder, I wish I hadn’t gone to see it. It has left me emotionally pummeled and feeling horrendous.

It’s heartbreaking (somehow more so with it being in cute animation) seeing how life fucks all of us up.

So, you’ve been warned. I wish someone had provided me this same kindness.

The problem is that the other three out of four, who will ride the surface and only see the token happy ending (like putting a tiny plaster on a gashed major artery), are going to be singing this films praises. And, I’m not sure that they shouldn’t be…I’d just love it if maybe they could look a bit deeper and learn something along with their children. I can but hope (ha, it is to laugh).

There’s a lot to be learned from it, real psychological insight. And, if that helps some other people get a clue about the delicate balance of the brain, excellent.

But, I seriously caution my fellow 1 in 4’s who are going through a hard time…and, for that matter, I’m concerned about those of you who might presently be in a good place: THIS FILM MAY SEND YOU PLUNGING INTO THE ABYSS.

I never do blog film reviews, but this is necessary. I don’t know how long it will take me to recover from seeing ‘Inside Out’.

I’m Not Complaining (a poem, of sorts)

I am a wreck, a ruin – a life-ravaged soul, aching, longing to be free.

I don’t mean to complain.  I’m not complaining.  I’m hurting, can’t you see?

Am I broken, or was I never meant to be here at all, that I cannot handle this life?

I know nothing any longer but the weariness and longing, the exhaustion too intense to fight.

And, the metre’s out of sync, and the sorrow’s out of bounds,

my fatigue is fatigued; waking leaves me drained – let me sleep away my time –

and there goes the rhyme, along with the metre –

again, I’m a failure…

but, I’m not complaining; that should be plain to all.

I’m hurting, longing, aching –

and, like this poorly written verse,

my end is not forthcoming.

©Autumn Dawn Leader 2015

(I’m Always Saying) Goodbye

This is a song about some of those social and relationship ‘issues’ that arise when suffering with borderline personality disorder (however, anyone who feels outcast, lonely and/or socially challenged could also relate). This is one of those times where I am letting the music speak for me.